Quiet tonight! Is everyone asleep? What if I have a big problem??

Well I am on here for the nex half hour or so...

I never told this to anyone here ...


ok.


my cousin was murdered last year. 2 brainless psychos beat him to death in his appartment.
He was a drug addicted. But he fought this s***. He found a job (can you believe this!) and he found himself a girl so she bore him a daughter last year. I mean he finally started a new life until those animals ended it in on December 1.
We were brothers. We understood each other without words. I knew something that even his mother (my aunt) didn't know. We shared everything. I dunno. We were like twins. When he was on crack he could harm people but he NEVER hurt me. He became even more calm when he saw me. I felt REALLY uncomfortable when he was on drugs in my presence ... I also tried drugs but I stopped immediatly. I mean I'm not addicted to drugs. So I think I was the main reason why he stopped too ... I could hug him and kiss him emotionally (not like... sexually, you know) when everything seemed like s***.
I can't even describe what I felt when I've known what happened.
I cry even these days. Sometimes I'm wondering what it feels like ... on the other side. I scare myself

OMG, Sash, i have no words. s***. I cannot say smth coz i never lose native people.......

I know, that it is impossible to help by words to such burn... But anyway... My condolences...

^
thank you so much, sunshine

I mean I thought I survived that. I mean my brother was murdered in December, I met 1 boy and broke up with him in December, then I met another one and I broke up with him as well in January. I tried to cut my veines because it was too much. I didn't feel anything for 2 weeks. I don't remember anything ... I just sat in my chair and stared at the wall. One day I just mechanically took a knife and tried to cut my hands then something went "wrong" ... I changed my mind and put it away. I dunno. I just can't understand why do I live. No reason. Nothing. And when I miss my brother I start cying and thinking about suicide. I'm so alone. Even with my boyfriends, even with people I love. I feel like I don't belong to this world sometimes

Sash, may be i have not right to talk about it, but rly, i think not enough time still has passed. It's a huge wound, but even that will be healed with time. And be sure, obviously there's a lot of people around you, for which you OUGHT continue your life. You're so young. You're so smart'n'cute.

That's just black stripe in your life, which everyone ever had. Just think again, who will feel better if your life will be interrupted? Guess NOONE.

Live your life, and remember one thing i will say you: Your life isn't belong only to yourself, if there's people, who understand and supports you.

^ the most funny thing that there's noone around me
and sometimes I feel too disconnected from everybody and I don't care about them, I think they bring only pain. I understand that maybe it's not true. I understand it's horrible etc but it's me. I'm not gonna live for someone. I'm not somebody's thing so I could live for them. there's noone around me who could love me at least as hard as I love.
I love myself but it's not enough. I just live without a goal in my life.

God Sash sorry to hear about your pain mate. My condolences. Its never going to be easy trying to get over something like that, talking about it maybe could help.To be honest I am at a loss for words .

I dunno, I think it was too private to write but I just couldn't hold it in me.
lol, ok ... Eurovision (ie. German NF) is a good thing if you want to distract yourself

I never knew someone in this situation and I dont know what to say! Have they caught the guys who did it? If they have at least it might bring some closure to the situation! When I say talk about it, how do you reckon your friends and family might react? Family are a lot of strength! During the darkest of times they are always there, as the expression goes, blood is thicker than water!

Alexander's Psychiatry wrote:^ the most funny thing that there's noone around me
and sometimes I feel too disconnected from everybody and I don't care about them, I think they bring only pain. I understand that maybe it's not true. I understand it's horrible etc but it's me. I'm not gonna live for someone. I'm not somebody's thing so I could live for them. there's noone around me who could love me at least as hard as I love.
I love myself but it's not enough. I just live without a goal in my life.

Actually it sounds like teen's speech."All hates me, noone loves me, noone needs me" etc.
You're still young certainly, but talking about ALL the people are bringing only pain is wrong. You just haven't met him yet. And all your feelings are sharped now, after this terrible tragedy.

You live without goal? Okay, pick me for example. I really do not see any obvious goal on my life as well. Ok, i'm studying now but what will be after? Dunno.

Actually, i disagree with you, people may live only for themselves, BUT time is going, and once you'll understand that all your life was just useless, coz you didn't bring happyness to anyone.
Though, everyone has a different view, and may operate self life as he wants.

Another wrote:Actually it sounds like teen's speech."All hates me, noone loves me, noone needs me" etc.
You're still young certainly, but talking about ALL the people are bringing only pain is wrong. You just haven't met him yet. And all your feelings are sharped now, after this terrible tragedy.

You live without goal? Okay, pick me for example. I really do not see any obvious goal on my life as well. Ok, i'm studying now but what will be after? Dunno.

Actually, i disagree with you, people may live only for themselves, BUT time is going, and once you'll understand that all your life was just useless, coz you didn't bring happyness to anyone.
Though, everyone has a different view, and may operate self life as he wants.

don't even dare to think that I'm some kinda emo kid. "Noone loves me etc".
Because it's truth. There's real love and there are just commitments (like my parents, unfortunatly I don't love them. I care about them but I don't love them and I never did. it just doesn't come ... I'm not an ungrateful "teen". I'm just a guy who's empty. I really want but I don't have it) and there are people who just use other people.
I don't have friends, I don't have a lover, I don't like my parents. heh, how can I make everyone happy if I feel like depressed s***? I see no hope. I try to deal with it, live without hope but I feel even more unhappy.
even when I meet someone I fall in love but then everything dies.
I understand that this is actually ME who hurts people by being "disconnected" and how many hearts will I break? See, I'd rather stay alone and torture myself. I'm wondering if there's a way out.
I think I should just hpe and believe in people even if the majority of them is full of cr*p.

Everybody has aim in life.

^ not.

but, anyway. I wanna thank Dima so much. I found the way out all by myself but it could have been impossible without him as well

Alexander, I feel your pain. It's not easy,but you have to realize that hurting yourself is not the way out! This is a dark fase in your life, you have to be strong. You may feel alone, but you're not . You will meet new people, who will love you for who you are just like your cousin. Don't be sad.


hugzzz from yo sista

^ lolz, not only my cousin loved me like that. the problem was in me.
I think I miss him too hard still ... but that's ok. + I'm afraid of future a little and I want someone beside me right now but I got faith .

^ relax. LOL. and receive your cyber hug back

Alexander's Psychiatry wrote:^ relax. LOL. and receive your cyber hug back

I am relaxed, thank you ....just sayin'.....

maomania wrote:
good 4 u. I am relaxed, thank you ....just sayin'.....

not "that" relaxed still
just sayin'

Alexander's Psychiatry wrote:^ not.

but, anyway. I wanna thank Dima so much. I found the way out all by myself but it could have been impossible without him as well

Love is in the air
Любовта е навсякъде.

*

^ dunno.

I smell jealousy?
j/k

Aleksandr I don't really have any advice to give as I have never been in the kind of situation you are in. I just hope you can stay positive and focus on what matters to you in life. Stay strong.

Alexanders Psychiatry, I am a bit shocked to hear that you dont love you're parents, you say you care for them though. You're parents care for you deeply and as for friends, get out there and meet more people, I know its probably easier than it sounds but get out there and meet people. You can spend as much time on the net chatting to us but at the end of the day real people will count for a lot more!

^ you didn't understand me.
erm, I have like a hundred friends in the real life but I can't name them "real" friends. They care only about themselves and they will prefer you to something else. F*ck it. I'm tired of searching for "real" friends that won't betray me ... I just become more and more disappointed.
heh, do you think I don't realize what you said?
don't be so shocked. I'm not the first person on Earth who doesn't like his/her parents. Maybe I love them but not as hard as I thought I would. It hurts a lot and I feel ashamed. I just don't have it and I'm not sure I ever will.

Apologies if I cam eacross patronising , it was the last thing I wanted to do!